ISWARAN - A PROFOUND CHAPTER IN MALGUDI DAYS

 A shy, embarrassed college boy named Iswaran suddenly starts refraining himself from his friends and family members. He fears dejection and disappointment. He looks obscure to me because when his classmates and others in Malgudi are convulsed with excitement over the expectations of Examination results, Iswaran looks unconcerned and detached.

 I get that, it happens! In fact, it has happened to me. When you haven't done your examinations well, all you can do is HOPE for the best. You can only hope not expect. Iswaran must be going through similar circumstances.

 Iswaran leaves me in awe as he deliberately combs his hair and puts on a well-ironed coat. "Mother", he says as he walks out, "don't expect me for dinner tonight. I will eat something in a hotel and sit through both the shows at the Palace Talkies."

Now, this is something none of us would do while something bad is on its way. We would be trembling with fear calculating the loses so involuntarily. May be I still don't recognize Iswaran. He seems to be me an enigma.

As I continue reading, I realize that Iswaran had failed repeatedly. Failures are not new to him. The first time he failed, his parents sympathized with him, the second time also he managed to get their sympathies, but subsequently they grew more critical and unsparing. His parents lost all their interest in his examination.

The author R.K.Narayan brings out the emotions of the protagonist beautifully. Just when my mind starts recognizing Iswaran as a futile, creepy lad; my eyes get hold of the following lines - "But all this was only a mask. Under it was a creature hopelessly seared by failure, desperately longing and praying for success. On the day of the results he was, inwardly, in a trembling suspense."

Iswaran silently accepts all the mockery. He is not able to even defend, or may be he is! But the society doesn't give him the standards to speak back when people around him joke, " We know you are going to get a first-class this time." All he can do is accept them till they feel ignored.

He watches two  Tamil movies successively which has all the Gods known in it. He enjoyed it all - the battle, a deluge, somebody dropping headlong from cloud-land and somebody coming up from the bed of an ocean, a rain of fire, a rain of flowers, people dying, people rising from graves and so on. He yearns to be a part of such a world - no exams, no mockery and all that he adores! Ironically, some 50 boys come to the same theatre to celebrate their success. He rises, silently edges towards the exit and is out of the theatre in a moment.

He feels a loathing for himself for himself after seeing those successful boys. He writes on a borrowed paper, the last note to his beloved father. He stuffs it in the inner pocket of his coat. He feels,HE IS NOT FIT TO LIVE. He decides to die and go to a world where there were young men free from examination who sported in lotus pools in paradise.

The story goes like, Iswaran,since he has decided to die anyway, musters up all the courage to check the results board? This time he is not hopeful but also, he is not afraid! Because, anyway he is going to die, Isn't it? He scrutinizes the results board, His number is 501. He admires those who managed the first-class. His curiosity increases, he runs his eyes fast through and through. He speculates how he should feel if his number is on the board. He would rush home and demand that they take back all their comments with apologies. After gazing for a while, he comes to terms with the reality. He feels void and condemned. He walks back to the river. But why does it even matter? Isn't he anyway going to die. He walks straight to the results board. This time fixing his more firmly on each number. And .... his number is there.... he is one among those who have passed with second class.

Maddened by the happiness and sudden unexpected success, he starts imagining and acting like a King. A king who has 501 horses. He mounts the horse with great dignity, kicks, rides and drives it off. The next afternoon, his body comes up at a spot about a quarter of a mile down the course of the river. Meanwhile, some persons had already picked up the letter in his inner coat pocket which he left on the river bank. The inscription read, " My dear father : By the time you see this letter I shall be at the bottom of Sarayu. I don't want to live. Don't worry about me. You have other sons who are not such dunces as I am."

By the end of this story, Iswaran looked familiar to me. He seemed to be a reflection of my own self, my shadow.  Iswaran, who was obscure and an enigma became someone I could literally connect to. Yesterday and today morning, I felt devastated and shattered. I felt void and condemned. I am placed in TCS and I am extremely grateful to God for this. I can't imagine myself undergoing the turmoil of finding a job in the present competitive world. Yet, I wished that I get a job with better package. As someone in early 20's , we tend to dream of hefty package. To buy and be able to afford better life, gifts and better everything. I had sent applications for a few companies and till yesterday there was no response from them. Yesterday, I was told by a referee that my chances of getting a job there are slim.

A lot of times, we need to distract ourselves from what is going on in our life. Lower the background noise to be able to better introspect and know what can be done or what is that I want. I expected someone to attend to me yesterday, understand what I was going through. It was tough to put myself to sleep. I succumbed to fear of future life. Morning that continued. I blamed my bad luck. I blamed my friends and my fate. It is very unlikely that someone will come to you and be by your side until things are completely fine. My life is my responsibility. Like in Iswaran's case, there is an outside world which sets standards for everything. He starts feeling the need to hide himself from people making excuses in the name of movie. Nobody is bothered or even considerate of his little dreams, simple hopes to clear the exam and prayers. But his battles has taught him to at least look stronger. He is already titled as a mere loser and nobody will do even a bit to help him succeed or even instill some positive hopes. They consider it their opportunity to boast and laugh. He eventually gives in and decides to end his life. But when you are going to die, who and what someone thinks of you doesn't make sense anymore. He wins on his last day. This story and the way the author has portrayed it has been of great help to me today. I am no exhibition for people to like , dislike and comment on. At least to be good in someone's eye is not the purpose of your life. I don't mean to say people are not helpful. Many are!But you are the only one who knows what you are going through, the only one who knows every little of your own self. Comments - good or bad, they don't define you. They are perspectives. Stabilizing yourself can help you pay heed to other alternatives to what you want. The personification in this story has helped me in a larger way to ignore the negatives. Yes, I couldn't make it through few applications I sent but tonight I am going to look out for other vacancies, exams and apply for them.

I wish Iswaran was alive not giving too much attention to the negatives, his failures which people around kept ranting and reminding him. I wish he had the strength to persevere by not succumbing to the pressures of failure. I wish he was there to inspire me this way because he is a winner, in the real sense. Saddening, he passed the exam , made his dream come true but could not live it. Unlike Iswaran, I wish to have the strength to stand strong whatever it be, through mistakes, through failures, criticisms and anything that comes my way because when in the death bed, I can still look back and say, "I HAVE LIVED!"